In the family constellation view, the place of the parents is paramount." Honor your father and mother "Some people, just by hearing them, dismiss understanding about family constellation as something of a dogma or religion.

Thus, it is important to clarify the real meaning and application of honoring father and mother in the systemic view, as well as, to understand the importance of understanding them to allow your life to flow more smoothly in all areas. Also, understanding a little of the systemic laws and what the family constellation technique consists of can help put your life back in place.

Honor thy father and thy mother: why this phrase is used

When someone hears this phrase through family constellation, even if they are not religious, they may remember the 10 Christian commandments. In case you don't know, one of them is "Honor thy father and thy mother". This is where the misinterpretations can begin.

Some assume that it was from the Catholic Bible that one of the best-known sayings in family constellation was taken. The fact is that family constellation is a work and study of many years, with several groups using various therapeutic techniques until they arrived at the systemic laws that act in family systems.

So there is no definite origin for the phrase. What is more important is the meaning. It is an understanding more philosophical than religious. It is a contemplation of what these two people represent in our lives, since we only exist because they allowed it.

This is the fundamental understanding: life came through them and therefore deserves to be honored. Even if all the rest that came after birth was quite challenging. If there is life, it is possible to resignify it and make it different. And this attitude is to honor them.

Honoring father and mother in Family Constellation: why?

The effects of not taking or honoring father and mother can be felt in all areas of life. This is due to the systemic laws that drive family systems. There are 3 laws that if not considered, or disregarded, can bring negative effects in our lives. They are:

• Law of Belonging: Everyone with blood ties (except cousins) belongs to our system and cannot be excluded. It also refers to those to whom an existential benefit or loss has been generated, which has made it possible for life to continue or has brought about some death or interruption. The exclusion of one of the belonging members has repercussions on future generations.
• Law of order: Whoever came first in the system has priority and is big. Whoever comes after is small. It has no relation to importance, only to hierarchy and priority. Disrespecting the order brings effects on our place in our life. Not taking father and mother has direct relation to this law. Recognizing the order and priority of who comes before is what allows you to take what was given to you and move on in a morefree.
• Law of equilibrium: The movement is one of exchange, where in the relationship someone gives but also receives from the other in balanced exchanges.

If life flows in all areas it is likely to be in resonance with these laws. On the other hand, problems and conflicts constantly arise when in dissonance with any of them. Therefore, "honor thy father and thy mother" becomes fundamental.

Not recognizing the value of what you have been given by them may bring some negative effects. The most common ones are:

• constant fights and conflicts in a couple;
• not being able to find a partner to relate to;
• constant problems with authority figures at work;
• disharmony and difficulty with children;
• neediness and excessive charges with friends, etc.

Thus, being in disharmony with the law of order, where taking or honoring one's parents fits in, makes life heavier and more conflicted in general or in some specific area.

How to honor father and mother in Family Constellation

If you have noticed that you have difficulties taking love from your parents this is already the first step. After all, problems of all kinds happen and the last place people look for the solution is in their relationship with their parents. Philosophical understanding can help as long as it is internalized.

You need to let go of all criticism, demands, complaints, judgments, and faults in order to move forward. Perhaps much was lacking in affection and welcome, but perhaps that was as much as they could offer you.

That's why it is necessary to separate the person who is the father and mother, the man and woman with all the systemic entanglements they bring with them. They came before and already carry a whole history of blind love and invisible loyalties for their ancestors. Maybe they are also out of order or out of place in relation to their own parents. To realize this is to see the parents as ordinary people, at the same timerespecting the place of each one in its existence.

Honoring is not repeating

The most important thing, and where there is a lot of misunderstanding: to honor is not to do the same. Many say that if one is repeating a fate one is honoring one's parents in a negative way. But there is no way to honor in a negative way.

"Honor thy father and mother" is about taking the love and moving on.It's positive.Even if it's challenging, it's light.It's about acknowledging the past, perhaps with the weight it had, with the pains and wounds there were in previous generations, and honoring all that was as best you can with the resources you have.

Maybe because for them it was heavy, for you it can be a little lighter, and that is how you honor yourself, rejoicing in your life and going in search, as an adult, of what you still need.

Learn more about Family Constellation

Perhaps your life is not flowing in some area, and it could be that some of the systemic laws mentioned are being neglected. Or you carry a lot of resentment towards your parents and don't know how to move forward. The family constellation technique can help bring light to issues that are hidden from you, or get you in touch with your own center and your place in yourfamily system.

Applications of Family Constellation

The technique can be applied in groups or individually, in person or online. You bring to the constellator the theme or issue you perceive as having difficulties in resolving, and are receptive and centered to the information that will emerge in the field. The method is phenomenological, so there is no way to predict what will emerge, it is an observation of what acts at that moment.

The morphic field works as a collective unconscious where all the information is "stored" and any person who is free of intentions can access it. Ideally, the client should be able to remain neutral and receptive, but this is not always possible due to unconscious resistances. But a good constellator must always be centered and exempt, in order to even welcome the resistances of the constellate.It is important to look for a good professional in whom you feel trust and empathy.

But, attention: Constellation is only a technique, it doesn't make miracles, nor fix anything for anyone. In the end, it is your attitude towards what you perceive and the changes you wish to make. If you already have the perception of the problem and the understanding of the systemic laws and, still, change doesn't occur, it may be more efficient to work on your resistances and loyalties in a therapeutic process.unconscious.

Know that your life can always flow for the better and with more lightness, but the main person who will dictate if this will happen is you!