We live in a time of multiple possibilities when it comes to relationships. We have moved away from the illusion of Prince and Princess Charming, in which it was assumed that partners only had eyes for each other and did not desire other love or sexual experiences. Society today tends to embrace a more realistic profile of the human being: people do desire others who are not necessarilytheir own partners and fantasize about having sex with a neighbor or a co-worker.

Some even risk a "fence-jumping" to see how they feel, even if they are not experiencing any marital crisis. These secret desires, in fact, have always existed. And, after all, is assuming an exclusive relationship nowadays corny? Is it possible to have a faithful and happy relationship?

What is polyamour?

There are groups that bet on polyamory, which is the experience of several affections and sexual relationships simultaneously. Sometimes, they end up discovering that, when two of the group fall in love, it is difficult to remain within the rules of coexistence of this relationship model. Passion is a demanding feeling that usually doesn't allow anyone but the two of them to fit into this adventure of explosive feelings.

What does open relationship mean?

Another alternative is the open relationship, where fixed partners are free to be with other people without this being perceived as a betrayal. In this case, each couple has their own private agreements.

When we don't perceive ourselves as individuals, we believe we are an extension of the other to validate a relationship

There are also those who prefer not to have fixed partners, opting for not getting involved with anyone and going out with whoever they want and whenever they want, because this feeling of freedom is very valuable. These are people who believe that a relationship imprisons or those who realize that they were not made to keep agreements.

Exclusivity is not ownership

Why does it sometimes seem so difficult to stay in a relationship of just two people?

What can make a relationship of exclusivity undesirable is the feeling of possession over the other. This is a misconception that objectifies the partner and makes the relationship arid, since it suggests that the other is an extension of one's own desires.

When we don't perceive ourselves as individuals, we believe we are an extension of the other to validate a relationship, and we tend to lose ourselves.

There is a belief that you have to think alike, have the same tastes, the same rhythm for sex. If this doesn't happen, questions arise about whether that is the person you want to live with.

It is important to be aware that no relationship is born ready. It is not possible to have a long-lasting relationship on the assumption that "if it doesn't work out, just break up," as if "just breaking up" were something smooth and uneventful.

Of course, if it is something untenable, the least painful path is separation. But to start a relationship counting on that happening is quite questionable from the point of view of the intention to remain in that relationship. If at every difficulty the solution was "let's break up", there would be no long partnerships. Not to mention that threats of breaking up only bring insecurity and weaken the partnership,instead of consolidating it.

A Magic Called Individuality

Building a solid relationship is not an easy task. It requires, more than anything, respect for individuality. But what does that mean? Not caring what the other does when you are not together? Passing over the couple's plans to favor a personal plan? Letting personal desires take the lead in the relationship? Not quite!

Respect for your partner's individuality begins with respect for yourself. Perceiving yourself as a whole being and not as "half" of the other is fundamental for the relationship to exist, so that no one loses themselves trying to be who they are not just to please the other, or expecting their beloved to do the same.

If you don't please the other because of who you are, you are not who he/she would like to be with. If you think the other should be different from who he/she is, you are not who you would like to be with.

Each doing what they like provides a necessary and healthy "breather" in the relationship

Joining someone imagining that the person will change over time to satisfy your ideal partner is the shortest and surest path to frustration, because no one changes just because we think they should.

On the other hand, one must be careful not to neglect the relationship under the pretext of raising the flag of individuality. It is possible to have personal projects without losing sight of the relationship. For this, there are agreements that can make this trajectory as harmonious as possible.

Exclusive, Long-Lasting Relationship: Step 1

Of course, no one is perfect, and although it may seem so in the first months, several characteristics will appear to show that you have to give in, adapt, and, above all, respect.

If the personality traits that emerge over time do not violate your core values, it is worth continuing to invest in the relationship. But if unacceptable behaviors emerge - such as aggressiveness and an absence of ethical or moral values, for example - know that fighting to transform this will only make you face a useless, exhausting and frustrating struggle that only leads tosuffering. It's time to stop and think about what exactly you want from a relationship: constant fighting or peace?

Step 2: willingness to make agreements - and keep them!

Secondly, it is necessary to be willing to make agreements - and keep them! From seemingly trivial things, such as cleaning the house, to those that require a lot of brainstorming, such as having or not having children, financial planning, or buying or not buying a property. Agreements are fundamental!

The couple is a unit that works towards common goals

This includes meetings with friends, each with their own, and personal activities such as courses, sports, etc. You may be passionate about working out, and your partner about reading. Each doing what they like provides a necessary and healthy "breather" in the relationship.

The care to be taken here is not to forget that you have a commitment to live as a couple, so that you don't run the risk of the relationship becoming just two people sharing the same space, each living their own lives without common plans. There are three "entities" to consider: you, your partner, and the couple.

The couple is a unit that works towards common goals, that takes pleasure in being a couple, but that does not lose sight of the fact that this "couple entity" is made of two whole people.

Step Three: Understanding our humanity

Thirdly, one should not have the illusion that because the relationship is built on exclusivity, sexual interest in other people will not exist. To be attracted to someone other than your love is absolutely normal and human. Even because no one chooses to be attracted, it just happens. But between being attracted and giving in to desire goes a long way.

You have an agreement, you have complicity, you have goals, you respect each other, you love each other, you live in harmony. This all means construction. Building a relationship demands time, dedication, and joint growth. Saying no to a sexual desire in order not to compromise a relationship that intends to be solid is not nonsense! It is maturity and respect for the foundations on which your relationship is based.

The most important thing to reflect on is that you are not giving up an adventure just out of respect for your partner, but fundamentally out of respect for yourself, for what you want for your life, and for the choice you have made.

Being attracted to someone other than your love is absolutely normal and human

It shouldn't be because "I can charge exclusivity if I stay faithful," but because "I recognize that having an exclusive relationship makes me feel safe, loyal, because I enjoy the life I've chosen to live as a couple." There's nothing corny or old-fashioned about nurturing and enjoying an exclusive relationship.

Small endings, surprising new beginnings

As time goes by we transform and mature, each one in his or her own time. The same happens with the couple... The famous "crises" usually occur when there is a small dissonance in this individual maturing. Some insecurities arise until the other can (or cannot) also reach a different level of maturity. The couple can come back to harmony and realize that the smallEndings give way to surprising new beginnings.