An abusive relationship is any relationship that involves physical, psychological, sexual, moral, or financial/patrimonial abuse.

It can happen between couples, family relationships, in the workplace, and even between friends, but official data shows that abusive relationships and domestic violence happen more often in heterosexual relationships, where women are the majority among the victims, with a higher number of black women.

This is due to our patriarchal, sexist, and racist society in which countless beliefs, behaviors, and social structures have been built and rooted. There is also a very high number of violence aimed at transsexual women.

Understand the difference between the types of violence:

• Physical Violence is any conduct that offends your bodily integrity or health;
• Psychological violence is any conduct that causes emotional damage and diminished self-esteem or that aims to degrade or control their actions, behavior, beliefs and decisions, through threats, embarrassment, humiliation, manipulation, isolation, constant surveillance, constant persecution, insult, blackmail, violation of their intimacy, ridicule, exploitation and limitation of the right to come and go or anyother means that causes him harm to his psychological health and self-determination;
• Sexual Violence is any conduct that coerces you to engage in, maintain, or participate in unwanted sexual intercourse by means of intimidation, threat, coercion or force; that induces you to commercialize or use, in any way, your sexuality, that prevents you from using any method of contraception, or that forces you into marriage, pregnancy, abortion, or prostitution, by means of coercion, blackmail, briberyor manipulation; or that limits or nullifies the exercise of their sexual and reproductive rights;
• Property Violence is any conduct that constitutes retention, subtraction, partial or total destruction of objects, work instruments, personal documents, property, values and rights or economic resources, including those destined to meet their needs;
• Moral Violence is any conduct that constitutes libel, slander or defamation" - Maria da Penha Law.

How to identify an abusive relationship?

The abusive relationship can start from very subtle way . Here are some clues to know if you are in a healthy relationship or not and how to evaluate the quality of a relationship.

The fact is that, little by little, the abuser undermines autonomy and self-esteem, isolating the partner from his or her support network and friends; after all, a person without a support network has a much harder time getting out of the relationship.

When the victim identifies that she is in an abusive relationship, she usually feels ashamed and guilty for being in this situation, which makes it difficult for her to seek help. It is important to understand that there is no guilt in being abused in any way.

Many times, the victim identifies the abusive relationship, but has great difficulty in assuming it to herself. Initially there may be a denial, because realizing herself in this place is really very difficult and frustrating.

There is a cycle of abuse in which, between moments of ecstasy in the relationship, the abuser begins to threaten, humiliate, insult, creating a dangerous environment that culminates in physical aggression and/or increased psychological aggression.

After the climax of the abuse comes repentance, apology, and the search for reconciliation on the part of the abuser.

At this moment, there are usually promises of change so that the person will remain in the relationship, and there is a great relief from the anguish experienced by the victim, generating a sense of well-being.

This makes it even more difficult for those who are abused to get out of the situation. There is also a great fear of retaliation by the abuser. This also makes it difficult to ask for help.

Watch for the Signs of an Abusive Relationship

• Jealous behaviors, who invade your privacy and are always distrustful, possessive, and in control of everything you do, who you talk to, and where you go. Here's how to differentiate between jealousy and possession.
• Circle Isolation of friendship, family, and activities that you enjoy and are good at.

  Manipulation and superiority: You feel that you are right, but he convinces you that you are wrong. He always puts the blame on you. Even if you are upset with him for something he did, you always end up feeling wrong and apologizing.

• Contempt, humiliation, and/or belittling: It points out flaws, corrects and humiliates you in front of others, ignores you or is cold when you express your feelings. Everything you do is never good or good enough. It doesn't say it admires you and makes you feel like crap. Believe me, you are not that. You didn't do anything to deserve this.
• Aesthetic pressure with humiliation of the body, comparisons, and demands.
• Emotional games: He justifies the humiliation he causes you by saying that he does it because he loves you very much. Note: in a healthy relationship, there is no emotional blackmail or aggression, much less justification by feelings.

How to identify an abuser

You may wonder how you feel when you are with that person. There is no standard profile of an abuser.

There are classic profiles such as a very macho man but there are also those people with very sweet and deconstructed personality and that they can be abusive.

Observe how you are treated and respected. It is from the dialog, the behavior that this person has towards you and how you feel about him/her, that it will be possible to answer the question.

Ask yourself:

• Does this relationship make me feel humiliated?
• Do I feel limited, diminished, or afraid?
• Have any relationships, either with family or friends had to be severed?
• Do I feel an obligation to be accountable for who I talk to and where I am?
• Have I ever needed to prove my answers by mistrusting the other person?
• Have I ever had to give out my passwords?
• Does this relationship make me doubt my mental sanity and/or ability to do anything?
• Am I afraid to express myself and/or do I feel silenced when I try to speak out?
• I always feel guilty, wrong, and end up apologizing even for what I didn't do?
• I feel that I never receive compliments, but I receive criticism and subtle comments about some supposed defect or indifference?

How to get out of an abusive relationship

The first step is to choose someone to talk to about it. It can be a friend, a therapist, or even a stranger who reassures you. The moment you talk about it, you can listen to yourself and begin to understand better what you are experiencing, and then build up the courage and support to get out of the situation.

Another step is the empowerment This can be done in therapy or in the support network, but it is important to remember that while being abused, the person becomes isolated from friends and the support network, from pleasurable activities, and from their life projects.

The less she does things that give you pleasure outside the relationship, the more power the abuser has over her. The person becomes totally immersed in the bubble of that relationship.

Therapy is very important to get out of an abusive relationship and also help deal with the later fear of building a new relationship.

You can work beliefs that may have been developed before, during and after the relationship. For example:

• "I have a rotten finger"
• "Healthy relationship is not for me"
• "I am the problem"

Working through the guilt and shame of having been in that situation is another point of therapy, which will encourage and support the victim to resume and create projects, have contact with friends, and find paths to his or her capabilities and potential.

After the breakup, how do you deal with the abuser?

After you leave an abusive relationship it is important to maintain zero contact This is because the person who has assaulted (whether psychologically, financially, physically and/or sexually) may try to pull the victim back into the relationship.

If there are bureaucratic situations that still need to be resolved between the aggressor and the victim, it is important to count on help, to maintain objectivity in the contact, and not to prolong the conversation if it is necessary.

If you have already left the abusive relationship and the person continues to seek you out, stalk or threaten you, request a protective order and keep the document with you.

How to help a person who is in an abusive relationship

First of all, welcome it without judgment. This person is not there because they want to be, and it is not their fault. It is not easy to go through this and make a decision to end it. Feeling pressured or judged will reinforce a sense of guilt, shame, and weakness to get out of the relationship.

To be a support network is to be there even when the person doesn't recognize your presence there yet. Don't give up or abandon the person who is in an abusive relationship. Don't confront and judge their difficulty in doing something about it. Be there with them so that when they can take that step, they can feel that they have support for it.

If the person is in denial process She may back off and go into state of defense.

It is difficult for the victim to assume that she is in an abusive relationship. In this case, be present, encourage her autonomy and ability to do things, seeking activities and relationships beyond the relationship.

The more she feels supported and other areas of her life are active, the easier it will be for her to realize that her life is not limited to this relationship. Thus, she will feel more confident and more supported in breaking away from the abusive relationship.

If there is already a possibility of opening up about it, it is possible, with great care and welcome, to show that this relationship is unhealthy and that it is not her fault.

Be supportive, show resources and supports she can seek, offer whatever help you can to contribute to that exit and to the organization of how to get out.

Where to look for help in Rio de Janeiro

These are phone numbers that can help victims of abusive relationships. Find and keep with you the telephone numbers and contacts in your city:

• 190 - Military Police for denunciation and intervention on site
• 180 - Women's Call Center for denunciation, orientation, and referral to other services. You can also access it through the Proteja Brasil application and website.
• (21) 2332-8249, (21) 2332-7200 e (21) 99401-4950 - Centro Integrado de Atendimento à Mulher: Provides orientation and takes you to a shelter if necessary.
• (21) 2332-6371 and (21) 97226-8267 and

  [email protected] or [email protected] - Special Center for the Defense of Women's Rights

• (21) 97573-5876 - Alerj's Commission for the Defense of Women's Rights
• (21) 98555-2151 Centro Especializado de Atendimento à Mulher
• See the address of a Family and Domestic Violence Court near you here.

Emerj's guidance booklet for domestic violence:

Protection plan: If you are in a domestic violence situation, create a protection plan to follow in case of emergency.

• Tell people you trust what is going on
• Keep documents, medicines and keys (or copies of keys) in a specific place
• Plan to leave home and transport to a safe place
• Include in your contact list the telephone numbers of women's protection services

At the moment of violence:

• Avoid places where there are dangerous objects
• If violence is unavoidable, set a goal for action: run to a corner and crouch down with your face protected and arms around each side of your head, fingers interlocked
• Don't run to the place where the children are. They could end up being beaten too
• Avoid running away without the children, they can be used as objects of blackmail
• Teach children to call for help and to move away from the scene when violence occurs.

After the violence:

• If you have a telephone, try to keep it within reach; if you don't, locate the nearest public telephone.
• Look for a women's police station, a service center, or a person or institution you trust
• Check if there are safe places near your home where you can stay until you get help: church, business, school, etc.
• If you are injured, go to a hospital or health care facility and disclose what happened
• Try to keep in writing, with dates and times, all episodes of physical, psychological or sexual violence that you are suffering
• If you have a car, keep copies of your car keys in a safe and accessible place. Get into the habit of leaving it refueled and in the exit position so as to avoid maneuvering.